Motherhood and Apple Pie

So I have to admit, the whole Congressional inquiry farce into baseball and steroids is turning out a whole lot more interesting than I thought.

Oh, it's still silly. There's nothing more ridiculous than members of Congress dragging down baseball because they're so worried about it. It's a great photo op with a lot of highly recognizable guys, and guaranteed to play back home. (And what's the Government Reform Committee doing here? Aren't they supposed to be out reforming government or something?)

What's fun are the players. There's formerly-loved-now-hated-in-Chitown Sammy Sosa, of clearly illegal corked bat fame, trying to rebuild a shattered image. There's Rafael Palmeiro wondering why in the hell he was called. Honest, he said, the only drug I take is Viagra, which is amazingly less embarrassing than steroids.

Then there's Mark McGwire, who's set the whole thing spinning with a "yes, but, no, but then I'm not saying anything" which has some idiot from the Midwest hollering to have his name taken off Hayseed Highway. Mark is the man who brought back baseball from the depths of its own near self-destruction in 1994, when duel sets of millionaires amazingly couldn't decide how to divide their riches. He's not the Savior, but durn close to Moses in terms of leading the game into the current promised land.

What he says isn't all that important. Steroid use to pump up wasn't against the rules when he allegedly used them. No, it's that Americans love contrition. That's why Martha Stewart got a heroes welcome after a turn in the slammer. (That and many Americans feel she was a sacrificial lamb for far greater corporate crimes.) Now, if Mark had fallen down and tearfully confessed, and told li'l chillin' out in the heartland and cities to stay off the hard stuff, he'd be the toast of Broadway. No, he prevaricates, and we don't like prevaricators. So Mark will suffer. He might even lose his name on that highway.

Which is why Barry Bonds is my hero in all this. Barry doesn't prevaricate. Barry shoots back. Barry sneers at this foolishness. Barry knows that he's about to break the sport's most cherished record, they need him more than he needs them. He's safe at home. Giants fans never worried about whether he was lovable enough. They pay Bay Area prices to see him hit a baseball. You've never seen anything like what happens at Big Phone Company Park when Barry comes up. Everything stops. Even the sausage dogs and garlic fries are put on hold and everyone stands mesmerized. Also, it's Northern California, and who around here cares about performance enhancing drugs? We've all been to college. We've been there.

Yes, Barry shows disdain, which is why he got a pass from the performance. "He doesn't stay on point", the congresscritters' spokesperson says. Translation: he's bad teevee. We all learned from Ollie North what happens when the target knows how to take over the stage, and that ain't happening.

So it's back to the soaps, er, the hearings, to see what happens next? Will Mark confess? Will Sammy and he kiss and make up? Will Curt Schilling speak in tongues? Stay tuned ...

Or turn to the sports page and find out what's up with Barry's knee. But that's only if you want real news.