The 23rd Qualm(Reportedly written by a retired Methodist minister. )
Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.
He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.
He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.
He restoreth my fears.
He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war,
I will find no exit, for thou art in office.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me.
Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion.
Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.
Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of thy term,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.
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The Jehovah’s Witnesses recently came knocking. I saw them coming down the street earlier so I just laid low and didn’t answer the bell this time.
There have been times, though, when I've opened the door. It's great fun.
One of the more interesting human failings is the assumption that others want and fear what you want and fear, and the consequent tendency to erroneosly base human relations or even just a sales pitch on this presumption. Jehovah’s Witnesses are as human as the rest of us, and I find myself in enjoyable conversations like:
JW: What would you say if you stood in judgment before your Creator today ?
Me: I’d say leave me alone and let me die in peace.
JW: But He offers you Eternal Life if you believe in Him (as we say you should.)
Me: But I don’t wanna live forever.
JW: What? What do you mean?
Me: I don’t want to live forever. I’m happy living a meaningful life being nice to kids, effecting a little change to leave the world a little better off than when I got here and see a few ballgames. Then, when I’m done, I’m done.
JW: But you can live in Paradise!!
Me: I lived in San Francisco for years and still go to ballgames at the cool park there. That’s close enough for me. And then I'll die and return to the Earth, like a good member of the natural world.
JW: But the world is such a horrible place!
Me: No it's not.
JW: Yes it is.
Me: No it's not.
JW: Yes it is. How can you say it's not? Look at all the evil things we see on the news.
Me: Of course we do. It ain't news if the plane takes off and lands safely, only if it crashes.
JW: But there's evil in the world!!
Me: Yep, and goodness too. There are volunteer firefighters, Boy Scouts who help little old ladies cross the street and parents who turn off the teevee to read to their kids. There's plenty of good in the world, which is why I like it.
As a matter of fact, the presence of evil makes you appreciate the good even more.
JW: But there's a new world coming!!
Me: What's wrong with this world? Oh, we've covered that ...
JW: It's a -better- world!
Me: The Republicans are going to admit their guilt in raising deficits, starting wars and turning the public treasury over to the corporations?
JW: Oh, but that doesn't matter!
Me: To those of us in the here and now it does. Besides, that's the "new world" I want to live in. What's the point of getting a "new world" if doesn't give me what I want? For that I could just move to Alabama.
I then take "The Watchtower" and thank them for their interest. They're persistent, though. They'll ask if they can come by and try again. I have to respect that dedication to closing the sale.
You see, to me, if there is an afterlife which rewards or punishes for your deeds in this life, it has to be uniquely tailored to make any sense. One person's Heaven could easily be another person's Hell. My idea of Heaven is sitting in a neverending baseball game between the Giants and Dodgers with the Giants absolutely killing the Boys in Blue. Sitting next to me is a Dodgers fan, suffering in endless agony and torment for his sins.
Outside of that, my goal at the end of life is to have lots of cool people come to my funeral and say some nice things about me. If I get that, then it was all worth it.
2 comments:
Yeah - it's fun to watch the expressions on the faces of the infrequent JW or Mormon who beckons at my front door. They actually look stunned when I politely say, "No thanks - heard it all before." Then some even look disappointed as they turn and walk away. That touches me - such deep faith and caring about another "lost soul". It quickly passes, thankgawd.
My take on it is this: if there is an omnipotent, all-knowing, all-powerful God who wants me to be saved, then I must be saved.
It's only logical. ;)
Frank,
Well, the Mormoms and JW's are sincere in wanting to share the "good news" with anyone who'll listen. It's like finding the perfect donut. You want to give everyone you know a bite, to share the joy.
I have a Mormon friend who tells me that he and his partner on mission in Iowa used to sit down with the local JW's after a particular busy Saturday and swap war stories.
Me, God or no god, I never bought The Fall. Not that I wouldn't imagine a life composed of running around nekkid in garden to be pretty nice.
But what about playing baseball? I've seen nude beach volleyball and it doesn't look all that comfortable. Imagine sliding into second in the raw. Not quite paradise to me.
If there is a God, He/She runs the universe like the NFL commissioner. Here's the playing field, here's the rule book and here's the strategy for playing a good game. I hope you do well.
Just don't expect me to blow any balls through the goal posts for you. That's cheating, and besides, if I do it for one, I'll have to do it for anyone it just makes a mess of the game.
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